Sometimes It's Like This
by dontblameme-igrewupontv
Summary: "She's soft and when it's like this, I almost know-I *know* she loves me.  Even though she says she doesn't."
1. Second Degree Burns

Notes: This is from Cat's POV.

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Second Degree Burns

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Sometimes it's like this.

This perfect time where she lies in bed with me, and it feels so right. Even though it's not, because even though she makes me feel all kinds of amazing, I can't touch her. She doesn't let me, and it hurts and burns, how much I want to. She's good at distracting me though, or I'm easily distracted, her hands are going under my shirt, and her lips go on my neck. It's almost comfortable now, and she's so, so beautiful, all dark curves and light skin. So, it's perfect. Kind of.

I like it when it's like this, more than other times when it's not. Like when she's not here, and when she doesn't look at me for days, because I know those times come too. Usually after this. But now, it's this and her and she smells like vanilla, so I smile and sigh.

Then other noises come out, because she's moving her hand under my skirt.

She whispers in my ear, telling me how beautiful I am, and it nearly makes the stars explode behind my eyes. She's soft and when it's like this, I almost know—I _know_ she loves me. Even though she says she doesn't. She yelled it at me once really loud. But she's not yelling now, so I try not to think about that. Just focus, focus, on how nice this is. Because it is, and I love it, and I love her. I just know I do. Otherwise I wouldn't do this with her, when there are so many reasons why I shouldn't.

She's moving faster; saying my name over and over and over, making me melt, just _melt_ against her.

It feels good, then better, and then I'm arching up and everything's still for a moment. I just watch the stars, and feel them pop and fizzle all over my body.

Soon, too soon, I'm opening my eyes, and see her watching me. Stroking my hair and it feels amazing. Everything feels so amazing, and we're quiet, just looking at each other. She said once she likes it right after, because it's the only time I'm not talking. She didn't mean it though, because she said it smiling and laughing, and sometimes I do talk. Just talk and talk about her hair and eyes and all the beautiful things about her. And she lets me, smiles softly, and listens to me ramble.

I reach up and wrap my fingers in hers, bringing her hand down between us. She lets me, and it makes me soar, because she never, never, lets me touch her when she's making me sweaty and tingly. I examine her hand, the chipped nail polish, and flush a bit at the slight damp feeling that's drying quickly on her fingers.

"I wish you wouldn't do that." She whispers to me, and it's hoarse and broken, making me flinch and look at her with a little fear.

"Do what?"

"Make me want you so much. You make is so easy to—" But she swallows the rest of whatever she was going to say, even though I'm pretty sure I know. I look at her deeply, and her eyes stay down to our hands while she runs her thumb over my knuckles.

I know I shouldn't, because she told me not to. She said that we don't do that, because she does it with him, and only him. And I'm not him. I shouldn't, but before I can stop, I lean in to kiss her.

She jerks back violently just like I knew she would, but it still hurts, and I never learn. My dad used to tell me that and I know he's right. I never learn, I know the stoves hot, but I keep putting my hand on it, because maybe—maybe just this one time it'll be different. It won't burn and hurt and burn, but her face hardens into something I don't like, and it burns and hurts.

I'm sorry. And I say it over and over again, as she scrambles to get off the bed. I say it a whole lot of times, but she leaves anyway. I'm so stupid, and I never learn. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Sometimes it's like this.

She leaves angry, and I lie in bed alone, crying.


	2. Vanilla Pudding

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Vanilla Pudding Princess

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Sometimes it's like this.

The times after, where she doesn't look at me for days. And she hasn't, not for days and days, but it's okay. Even though, it hurts and it's not okay at all. She said it was okay. I sent, like a hundred messages to her phone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Because I was, and then she said it was okay. So I guess it is. But she still won't look at me.

But it's okay. Even though it's not.

I'm the first one at the table for lunch today, and it makes me nervous when Beck and Jade sit down across from me. I look up and smile, saying hi, and Beck smiles sweetly, but Jade doesn't look up. Just grumbles something I couldn't hear.

"What are you eating?" Beck asks suddenly, curious and confused. I look down at the plastic Tupperware that contains my lunch.

"Vanilla Pudding."

"That's it?" He laughs a little, and I really wish Tori or Andre or someone else would show up.

"Yeah, it was free." I chirp happily, proud of my frugal decision.

"Wait, free? Who gave it to you?"

"Some guy." I take another bite.

"Some guy?" He asks, confused again, and I find my gaze falling on the salad that Jade was violently stabbing, but not eating.

"He said he didn't want it." I mumble, my smile faltering.

"Do you know who he was?"

"No."

"Give me the pudding." I pout when I hear him say it.

"But—But it was free." My defense is obvious, but his expression stays stern.

"I'll buy you whatever you want if you give me that pudding right now." I pout harder, but he just smiles in a nice way that makes my heart hurt a little. Because he's so nice to me, and I all I can think about is how his arm is wrapped around Jade's waist, and how he's trying to steal my pudding. But, I sigh anyway, and slide the pudding over to him, because a turkey sandwich does sound better, and it doesn't even taste very much like vanilla. "Thank you. Now what do you want?"

"Turkey sandwich." I sigh again, and give him my sad eyes.

"Got it. I'll be right back." I'm about to smile, feeling a little better, until he places a kiss on Jade's temple before getting up. I feel my stomach sink a little and I bite my lip. Where is everyone else?

It's quiet once he leaves, and I want to talk to Jade really bad, but she's just looking down like I'm not even there. I even open my mouth a couple of times to talk, but no sound comes out, making me sigh again. I adjust on the bench, moving my legs to cross them under the table, accidently knocking my shoe into hers. She flinches, but then she's still again.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly.

"It's okay." She replies without looking up.

Then, Tori and Andre come stumbling to the table, and Beck's shoving a turkey sandwich in my face, but I'm really not hungry anymore.


	3. Turtle Prince

The Turtle Prince

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Sometimes it's like this.

Jade's angry. Angry and mad, and everyone is staying out of her way. Her fight with Beck could be heard from practically every class room, because Jade has crazy vocal range when she wants to. She spends the rest of the day stomping around and tearing down anyone who dared confront her.

Sometimes Jade and Beck fight, and then—…she's staring at me.

Staring hard at me, during class, and in between. I'm really trying to ignore it, because I know why and she knows why, and so I try to think about something else as I tell Tori my story about finding a turtle outside my house, and naming it Peter. And he was itty bitty, and so cute, but my mom said I couldn't keep him, so I drew a smiley face with permanent marker on his shell and drove down to the park where's there's a little creek, and I put him by the water. And maybe, when he gets big and grown, I'll see him again and he'll still have the smiley face on his shell and he'll recognize me and;

"What if it's a girl turtle?" Andre interrupts me while he's getting books out of his locker, getting ready for our next class. I think for a minute.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I yell out, offended. If it was a girl turtle, I wouldn't have named it Peter.

"Nothing, never mind." He's quick to reply, and I'm about to pursue it farther until I feel a friendly arm around my shoulder, and I look up at Tori.

"I'm sure the boy turtle will be glad to see you when he grows up." I just beam up at her, all tall and sweet. She's so nice, and it makes me happy when people understand. Of course he'll be glad to see me. Wait—what if;

"What if, when he grows up, he finds me and then I kiss him and he turns into a prince?" Like a rich handsome prince that loves me and lets me love him back, and Jade just stares and stares, so I'm looking at Tori when I say it, so, so excited about the prospect. She pats my arm once before letting me go with a light chuckle.

"That would be cool." She replies lightly.

"What would the turtle turn into," Jades dark voice practically cuts through our conversation, and all three of us automatically give her our attention, but she's only looking at me. "If it _was _a girl turtle?"

A small smirk started to play at her lips, and her eyebrow rises slowly.

"I don't know." My voice is weak, but then gains some strength when a thought hits me. "She would have to let me kiss her to find out."

It's wrong, I know. It's wrong that I got a little thrill when her smirk instantly disappeared and her eyes grew dark again. I felt bad about it, I did, but before I could back track on my words, the bell rang for our next class. I know I wasn't the only relieved person to be able to escape this angry Jade who just stares and says angry words, so Andre's making a break for it and Tori takes some strides before looking back at me expectantly.

"Stay." Jade doesn't say it to me like it's a question, but she doesn't sound very mad either, so it makes me want to. A little.

"Cat, we're going to be late." Tori offers like she's trying to help me get away from her, but it's still Jade and it's still me, and sometimes angry Jade turns into sweet, amazing Jade who makes me feel warm inside. Like, like the chocolate chips in fresh cookies. Melty and warm and gooey.

"Leave." She shoots back at Tori, giving her a glare that she finally relents to, and goes on her way while sparing me a sympathetic look.

Once the halls clear, Jade takes a final look around before she hooks her finger in the belt loop of my jean shorts. She might have tugged me into her, or I could just be magnetically attracted to her. Some invisible force that draws us together. All I know is that my hips are snug against hers, and I like it here.

"Come over tonight." Her voice is a little weak, and her eyes watch her fingers as they idly play with the sleeve of my tee shirt.

"I have to study." I do.

"I'll help you study." All smiles when she says it, and it makes me warm and gooey, and it be love, right?

"No you won't." I smile back, because I know—_know _I love her, because otherwise I wouldn't smile when she looks at me like that and I'd just study and stay away, but I can't do any of that with her. Not for a long time.

The fingers in my belt loop detach, and move underneath my shirt. Sliding and tracing and tickling my stomach, and Jade keeps her eyes focused on all the angles of the hallways, making sure there's no one watching. Because this is dangerous, burning hot blood rushing to my cheeks dangerous, and I feel her fingers reach a lace covered breast. I feel nails scrape gently, and pressure, and pinching, oh—my knees buckle a little.

Her attention to my chest ceases almost as soon as it begins, and her retreating hand gives me the strength to take a step back from her. Dangerous. I take a breath, and blush more at her smirk.

"Come over tonight." She repeats, strong and sure.

"I have a project due with Tori. She's already coming over to my house." I feel a weight on my chest, anticipating Jades mood to swing, like a kid in the playground swinging back and forth and higher and higher. Sometimes it's like that, but now the corners of her lips just twitch slightly before responding.

"Blow her off. I'm worth it, and she's not." I feel a little surge of defensiveness to her words.

"Tori's my friend, and she's nice—"

"I can be nice." She cuts me off, pushing the words through a clenched jaw. I know she can, I do, but she is not convincing at all when she says it. It's all green eyes and frustration. It makes me want to say no; just let Tori come over, and stop playing this game with Jade. Because, I never thought it was a game, but it's like, it's like I know she's keeping score somewhere, making rule books, and stuff, but all I want is her.

Which is why I can't say no, already thinking of excuses to make to Tori.


	4. Quick Work

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Quick Work

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Sometimes it's like this.

The wood of Jade's door swings back into its frame, and the sound of the metal lock clicking isn't the only thing reaching my ears. I wonder how her lips got to be so fast, the speed of sound waves fast, and sometimes when Jade and Beck fight, she's like this. When they fight loud and angry, she makes quick work of me, and my nerves start to short circuit one by one.

"Take off your shirt." She asks, but without any question in her voice, and even though she's whispering and it makes goose bumps appear, she's going too fast. She's already pulling at my shirt, and it makes me squirm out of her grasp.

"Slow down a little." There's a short laugh in my voice, but it just sounds like it's breaking, and maybe it is.

She starts to sport that grin, and geez. I should have studied with Tori, and not given her an excuse that was flighty even for me. Tori asked, and it caught me off guard I guess, asked if it was because of Jade. And I had to say no, and that hurt more than it should. More than just the normal lie hurt that pushes somewhere in your head. No, this one hurt somewhere deep in my chest. The kind of hurt that stays.

It stays, and it's still there even with Jade running the pad of her thumb along my jaw line.

"Come on, Cat. I just want to see you." She's making herself cozy and close again, and making quick work of me.

Geez.

She's pulling at my shirt again.

"I should go."

"What?" Jade stops at that, looking at me confused. "Why?"

"Because…" I take a breath, because I know I'm going to regret this. "You should be making up with Beck." Mentioning his name causes a muscle in her face to twitch, but besides that, she's still and it makes me think that she didn't hear me.

"I don't want to." She says after a beat, and that makes me soar a little.

"You don't?"

"Not tonight." That grin is back, and she's pulling me close again, but my heart is dropping, and dropping, and roller coasters are so much more fun when they aren't the ones in my chest. I start squirming again.

"I'm leaving." A frustrated lung worth of air comes out of her as a loud sigh. She lets go, and I see red flash through her green eyes, and it doesn't look like it should, like yellow or Christmas. It just looks dark.

"Why are you always doing that?" She almost yells, waving her hands towards me. "It's so easy for you to say no to me, isn't it?"

Obviously it's not, because I'm ready to take it back, wanting to be with her, and changing my mind as fast as the anger seems to building up in Jade.

"It's not—"

"No." She interrupts me, sharp and loud. It makes me jerk a little, because her room isn't that big, and she has crazy vocal range when she wants, so it's just bouncing and hitting me, and making my ears ring a little. "See, I can do it too." She laughs a little, sarcastic and short. "So, fine, get the fuck out Cat, if that's what you want." Her hands run through her hair as she turns away from me, and I flinch at her cursing, because she doesn't talk like that around me, said she wouldn't, knows how much I don't like it.

"It's not like I give a shit about you." She spits the words at me, and it's so much worse. It's like acid. It burns and—hurts and hurts and hurts.

It sounds horrible, like venom, like something villains say in comic books. I wish she didn't say it, because I'm not strong. I'm not strong enough, and she's going to break me. I'm breaking and I hate it that she sees what she does to me, but I can't stop. I don't learn. I put my hand on the stove and just watch the skin blister and peel, and it burns and hurts.

I hear it before I feel it; a sob breaks out of my lungs, loud and foreign to me. But the sound leads way to tears and before I know it, I'm on the floor, my back against her door, pulling my knees into my chest, crying hard. I try to make it stop, because I know Jade's staring at me, but I can't stop, and I want to so, so bad.

"I'm sorry." Her voice sounds far away and different, making me wonder if she even really said it. My forehead pushes into my knees, trying to sink farther into myself.

Please, please, please. If I can just get a breath in, I know I'll be able to stop shaking, and I can stand up and leave. She won't have to see me like this. If only, I, could, breathe.

"Cat, I'm sorry." I hear it again, closer, and I'm imagining it. Because I don't think I've ever heard Jade apologize. Jade's never sorry, and she isn't close. She's standing far away and looking down on me like I'm crazy, with disinterested glances and annoyed glares. She is, I know she is—

Then I feel her hands on my face, pulling up and stopping me from soaking my knees.

"Please stop, baby. I didn't mean it." And she's close and sorry, and I can tell by the way her voice is breaking and the way her eyes are shining at me. "Stop crying, please."

I feel my lungs give a little and I take a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" And she says it over and over, and her voice breaks more and more and I think this is what it looks like. I stop crying; when I realize that this is what it looks like when Jade stops being strong and angry. It's like looking at the shell of a turtle crack open.

Then she's kissing me.

On her knees, pulling me toward her, it starts with just quick pecks on my lips. I don't really know what's happening, so I let her, but then it deepens, and I feel it in my stomach, the way she urges my lips open with her tongue. I've thought about kissing her, like a bunch of times, but it takes me a second or two to respond to her insistence. Jade's kissing me.

Okay. I'm caught up now.

My hands wrap themselves in her hair as I sit up with her, my mouth moving with hers. I taste salt and chocolate, and it's good. She's swallowing me, and I'm drowning, and it's so good. Jade pulls me up, so we're standing, and before I can even get my balance, she's pushing me against the door. I hear the dull thud of my body hitting wood, her body fitting against mine.

I kind of tear my mouth from hers, because she's not letting go willingly, and I think I might pass out from lack of air. I gasp and breath deep, hiccupping a little and feeling the skin of my cheeks tighten from my drying tears. Jade's watching me, her lips red and slightly swollen.

"You forgive me?"

Like I ever have a choice. I smile a little and nod.

More kissing. I really, really like kissing her.

She's pulling me toward the bed, and my shirt comes off easy this time. My head sinks into a pillow that smells like vanilla, and her lips are everywhere while she undresses me.

My nerves are already raw from crying, and it's like defining comfort when she touches me, it feels so good. So when I feel her lips go low, low, and lower, and when I feel her inside me, it feels bright and amazing.

And she makes quick work of me.


	5. It Doesn't Take Long

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It Doesn't Take Long

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It's never like this.

With her hands tracing circles on my lower back.

She's never like this.

It's been three days now, and she hasn't even talked to him. Hasn't even talked about him.

We're never like this.

Lying on my bed, kissing and moving our lips together in a secret kind of dance. One just for us, because she doesn't kiss Beck like this. I know she doesn't, because I've seen them, maybe even watched at times, and it's not like this. It's not this good. Red blending with green and black, and covered in pink. A rippling sea of color and contrast that's making my head swim in the best way. My body is almost on top of her, legs tangled together, as her hands start to twist in my purple tank top.

I love the noises she makes. Sultry and squeaky, the girly moans that comes from her mouth. Something I never heard before, and I do all that I can to keep her making them. I run my tongue over her bottom lip, before sucking on it, and pulling gently with my teeth. And she moans. I shift my weight a little, moving my leg between her thighs, pushing just enough to feel black denim move up my leg and wrap around the back of my hip. And she says my name in a gasp. We kiss slow and deep, and when she arches against me, I feel a heat spread through my body that makes me shake a little.

Makes me a little brave.

Because I'm doing this to her, I'm making her feel the way she makes me feel all the time.

So, with shaky hands, I move my fingers under the hem of her shirt, and the feeling of her skin alone doesn't make me moan. The feeling of soft muscles in her stomach as I trace the curves of her hips. That feeling alone doesn't make me press closer to her. But the fact that she's letting me. That makes me moan against her mouth and push closer to her.

But just as quickly as I do, she's pulling at my shirt, and reluctantly I untangle myself from her a little, as she gets the tank top off. My eyes try to focus on her, but she's quick to attach her lips to my neck, and it's distracting the way she's sucking and nipping at any skin she finds. But I try to keep myself on track, because she didn't stop me, not really, so I move my hand under her shirt again. Brave and bold, the way my fingers run up the front of her chest, still waiting in the back of my mind for something to burn me.

For a second I think something does, because her lips are off me, and she's twisting, and we're turning, until she's on top of me. Her thighs are on pushed into my hips, knees digging into the mattress. My eyes go a little wide, because this is the part where she gets mad, yells and leaves. This is always that part—…but it takes me a moment to see that her eyes aren't dark and angry. They're hooded and hungry.

Then her shirt is off.

Ripped off and thrown into some unknown corner, just gone, just like that. I know I love her. Who wouldn't love something so beautiful?

I lean up, and start kissing past her collar bone and down her chest, my hands moving over lace, and the way she's moving her hips against me—It's like, electricity moving through me, and I'm pretty sure that every time it's just that much more voltage.

I get a bit taken away by it all, I guess. The feeling and sensations, and so many warm and fuzzy things that I've never got to feel with her. Because they feel so, so good with her. I get a bit ahead of myself, pushing back against her, making her slide more and more down my legs. Until we're finally kissing again and I have her back against the end of my bed. Hovering over her, and moving my hands to the button her jeans.

She stops me then.

Her hand goes over mine, stilling me, and it doesn't take much to make me freeze and move away from her lips, expecting the worst.

"I just—I want to." She starts almost apologetic, but mostly nervous.

"It's okay." I say after catching my breath, and putting my heart back in my chest where it belongs. It is okay, because I know better. I know there're reasons why I'm not allowed to get past all those thick walls that Jade puts up. She's guarded and doesn't trust easily, but mostly, most importantly, she's with him. And no matter how much she might give me, she's still with him, and she still doesn't trust me.

Suddenly, it's not that okay anymore.

She sits up with me, and maybe she can tell something like hurt shifts across my face. She kisses me gently, and it doesn't take long, not long at all that everything does feel okay again.

It doesn't take long for me to be on my back again, and her pulling my jean shorts off, tossing them in our growing pile.

It doesn't take long for her kiss me while she moves her fingers past my underwear, making me arch and buck against her.

It doesn't take long with her knee on the back of her hand, moving slow and hard.

It doesn't take long at all, and then I'm just watching the stars, and feel them pop and fizzle all over my body.


	6. Not This Time

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Not This Time

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She's kissing me through the glow, and I don't even know how long we've been lying like this. I just don't want it to ever stop. Like, we could freeze like this, stay this way in this moment forever and that would be perfect, like a movie I saw once.

After too short of a time that was probably too long, she pulls away from me with beautiful glazed green eyes looking back at my brown. We're lying next to each other on the bed, and she starts to pull her denim jeans down and off, kicking them onto the floor. As my eyes scan over porcelain skin with the interruption of dark purple lace, her look turns smug.

And I want to touch. I want to so, so bad. But I still don't know if I'm allowed.

Jade takes my hand in hers, and runs her fingertips over my knuckles curiously.

"If I ask you something," Her voice starts out teasing, but I see a quiver in her lip that she's trying to hide by keeping her head down, and keeping her eyes on my hand. "Do you promise," Then, without warning, she puts my index finger in her mouth sucking gently on the length of it, then removing it. I gasp at the feeling, and exhale loud. "You'll tell me the truth?"

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But my voice isn't working like I want it too, and then my middle finger is in her mouth, then out. Her eyes meet mine.

"Yes." I whisper the answer without even realizing that I did.

Her body moves closer to me, almost touching, and her eyes pierce into me as she moves my hand down with hers, down her stomach, under purple lace. My vision blurs a little, and I try really, really hard not to move.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes." I whisper the answer without even thinking. There's no question. There couldn't be. Because who wouldn't love her?

She kisses me.

Moves my hand with hers, through wet heat and heaven, rolling her hips into my hand. It's amazing and I think I could get drunk off it, the way she groans against my lips, kissing me harder. Her hips move against my hand, as I move against her.

Both of her hands wrap themselves into my hair, while she pulls me closer.

Her lips leave mine and she starts whispering in my ear, telling me how to move, and I do, moving a finger inside her. And—…Oh, God. I can't even think. She's moving fast, so I do too, and she's shaking, and she's close—

"Cat, I—" Is the only thing I can make out, as some kind of strangled gasp before she tenses, and then, then there's stars. I see them behind her eyelids, shut tightly as they pop and fizzle all over her body.

[]

Jade wakes up sometime early the next morning, and her stirring and quiet curse wakes me up too. I open my eyes, and see the dim light of dawn coming through my curtains.

"My Dad's going to kill me." Because we didn't mean to fall asleep, so I'm guessing she didn't tell him where she was going to be. After a little searching, she finds her cell phone in the pocket of her jeans. I sit up on the bed as she checks her messages next to me. I watch her as her face starts to fall.

"Is he mad?" My question is slightly hindered by a yawn.

"No, it's just—" She stops herself and looks at me, making me feel nervous. Jade takes a slow breath. "I talked to Beck before I came here yesterday."

I freeze at that.

No. No, not now. Don't tell me she's taking him back, and that we have to go back to her ignoring me, and me hurting and crying.

Not right after all the things I've always wanted coming true, like fairy tales, don't tell me my Jade was the evil queen the whole time.

It'll hurt too much; I won't be able to handle it this time. Not this time.

She couldn't be this mean, she just couldn't. Please, please, please,

And it must have shown, that crumpling in my chest must have shown on my face, because she's quick to make her eyes go wide and apologetic.

"We broke up, Cat."

…

My eyebrows crease a little at that.

"I know…you two were fighting last week." They break up all the time, then they get back together, and this isn't making me feel any better.

"No, we're not fighting…not anymore." Her eyes go back down to her phone, then back at me. "We broke—I broke up with him."

"Why?"

I hold my breath and keep my heart in check. Because it could be hot, that stove that looks so shiny, and all I want to do is touch it.

"Why do you think?" Jade smiles at me a little, but it's nothing compared the wattage of my smile, beaming back at her.

"Because of me?"

"Because of…us. I mean, if you—if you want that." I vaguely register that she says it with some uneasy hesitation, but I couldn't care less, because I just start kissing her. Still smiling, and kissing her and she's kissing me back.

And it's perfect.

I hope it's always like this.

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The End


End file.
